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I want to help a friend who is going through some challenges with her husband. My friend and her husband are both from India and work in the Pacific Northwest. They have twin daughters who are 2 years old. My friend’s husband appears to be a friendly and agreeable person, and has an exceedingly large circle of friends.
My friend, however, complains that he has a temper and is extremely controlling. My friends and I have witnessed the controlling behavior, where she has to manage the kids completely on her own and her husband doesn’t seem to bother at all about helping. Also, he controls what she does and who she visits.
She has complained that her husband has forced her out of the house on several occasions. Several friends and I visit the couple on social occasions, and we veer between ignoring him completely and imploring him to be more helpful around the house. He simply ignores our advice. We have not witnessed our friend being thrown out of the house, but I trust her word.
A ‘lost’ passport
My friend’s husband stopped her from continuing her job, and now she is now forced to be a homemaker, something she doesn’t like. It may sound unbelievable and is obviously unjust, but it’s fairly common in some cultures for women to be treated like this. We friends have often discussed the issue and debated how we can help her.
These discussions often end with “We should not interfere in their life” or “It’s her fight and she should push back and know what to do.” Though at some level, we may be unsure or unwilling to ruin our friendship with her husband. My friend recently told friends that her husband “lost” her passport and is not lodging a police complaint or getting a new one.
She told me today that she is so fed up that she just wants to go to her parents in India, but she doesn’t have her passport. I sometimes suspect that her husband is just hiding her passport. I have often thought that maybe I should just call the authorities and tell them the issue and let them help her.
However, I am also not sure if this is the right step. What should we do?
Confused Friend
Related: My ex-husband has a life-insurance policy on me — and jokes he’ll be ‘Suspect No. 1’ if I die. Other than haunting him, what can I do?
“Coercive control and financial abuse are often tied together.”
MarketWatch illustration
Dear Friend,
Nobody knows what goes on inside a relationship except for the people involved.
However, there are signs of coercive control and financial and domestic abuse that should not be ignored, whether you are a friend or family member or a hairdresser, manicurist or neighbor. We should all remain vigilant. You can’t live somebody’s life for them, but you can give them information to help them become aware of what is happening.
Coercive control and financial abuse are often tied together. The vast majority of domestic-abuse cases also involve economic abuse, and finances are one of the main reasons a person stays with or returns to an abusive partner, as noted in a research brief by the University of Wisconsin-Madison Center for Financial Security. The fact that your friend’s husband pushed her to give up her job is a bad sign.
Unfortunately, all the signs are there. Your friend’s husband removed her source of income and ability to travel, and she is completely reliant on him for money. Financial control and a gradual dismantling of her self-confidence go hand in hand. Other signs include economic exploitation where the abusive partner forces their partner to take out a line of debt, or does so in their name.
How to escape financial exploitation
I’m extremely reluctant to conflate your friend’s husband’s cultural background and his behavior. Men who engage in coercive control over their wives cross all geographical boundaries, and domestic abuse is something of an epidemic in the U.S.
“Intimate partner violence is a persistent public health problem that affects millions of Americans every year and disproportionately affects women and some racial/ethnic minority groups,” according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Your friend’s marriage and life may now be her new normal, so if you believe she is in danger of being controlled and manipulated, tell her the signs and say you are concerned about her long-term well-being. A year can turn into 10 years in the blink of an eye, and if she can’t do it for herself, she may be willing to do it for her twin daughters.
Domestic-abuse survivors must be financially prepared to leave, as escaping is only half the battle, says the Kansas City, Mo.-based law firm Hale Robinson & Robinson. They must support themselves once they flee the relationship, or their chances of success will fall. “Transportation, shelter, food, and funds for the ensuing legal battle must be obtained,” the firm adds.
There are women’s shelters that have a detailed plan of action on how to leave an abusive relationship, including the documents she should bring with her. These include bank-account numbers, credit-union and 401(k) information, copies of car titles and past three years’ income-tax returns, and the partner’s Social Security and bank details.
Godspeed in your efforts to protect your friend — and good luck to her.
Read next: I lost $240,000 after a ‘friend’ I met on Instagram encouraged me to invest in crypto. Can I write off my loss?
Are you experiencing domestic violence or coercive control? Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. FreeFrom works to establish financial security for domestic-violence survivors, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence supports efforts to change conditions that lead to domestic violence and coercive control.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
‘I don’t want my wife to lose everything’: I’ve been diagnosed with dementia — I suddenly could not spell or write legibly
‘Things have not been easy’: My sister is a hoarder and procrastinator. She is delaying probate of our parents’ estate. What can I do?
‘I gave up a job that I loved passionately’: My husband secretly set up a trust that includes our home and his investments. What should I do?
Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where we look for answers to life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
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I’m a longtime reader of your column and I never thought I’d be writing to you, but I guess here we are. I’ve had a hell of a year. I lost my job and found another one, split from my long-term partner and lost half of my social life, moved to a smaller house in order to pay the bills and am facing turning 45 in February with the prospect of maybe never having children.
I am having eight people over for Christmas dinner: my mother, my twin brother, my sister, my best friend and her son and daughter, a neighbor and an aunt who is visiting from Seattle. It will be the highlight of my year. However, between the tree, the decorations, the dinner and wine and spirits over a three-day period, hosting Christmas is now costing upwards of $400, and probably more than that.
For many reasons, it will be the first time we’ve all been together since before COVID: My aunt was sick and my siblings had other plans in previous years, COVID obviously ruined Christmas 2020, and last year I was in the throes of a crumbling marriage.
Hosting is a lot of work, which I don’t mind, but it will be $400 or $500 that I won’t have for bills or even a vacation when I can finally take some time off from my job. People have asked if they can bring anything. If all the adults contributed $50, I would have $300 to put toward the festivities. Is that crass? I don’t want to start on the wrong foot or offend my guests, but it’s a lot of money.
Should I ask the adults to bring cash? I already have enough cheese and crackers to see me through the winter.
Newly Single in Tampa
“You need to weigh the risk versus the reward: Is that $50 from your best friend or neighbor worth a begrudging side-eye over the dinner table?”
MarketWatch illustration
Dear Newly Single,
You’ve had a big year, and you have given yourself an even bigger job by hosting Christmas in your new home — but the whole point of having your own place is so you can share it with your friends and family and create memories. You’re determined to end this year on a happy note, surrounded by friends and family, and I applaud you for that.
This year, the average Christmas dinner purchased in a supermarket for a family of four will cost around $50.56, up from $47.25 in 2022, according to a recent report from Category Partners, a consumer-research and analytics company, using data from NielsenIQ. I see these surveys every year and, frankly, I tend to add an extra 20% or 30% for a real-life dinner.
Hosts often overbuy. It’s the nature of the beast. Some people drink whiskey, others may prefer red wine over white, and you want to avoid a situation where someone tells you they won’t be having seconds because they’re saving room for dessert and you are forced to say, “There is no dessert!” Or one in which they won’t be having seconds in the first place, because there was barely enough for one helping.
You need to weigh the risk versus the reward: Is that $50 from your best friend or neighbor worth a begrudging side-eye over the dinner table? People talk — mostly about themselves, it’s true, but also they also love to pick apart examples of what they see as poor etiquette. Is the payoff worth it? Would this money prevent you from paying a bill, or would it just put a dent in your plans to vacation in the Florida Keys?
You don’t say whether your immediate family and best friend are local, but you may wish to take into account the cost of traveling from Seattle to Florida at this time of year. Your aunt — and other guests — may also have already bought you presents and other provisions that you could possibly use after Christmas. And asking them to contribute cash after they have already accepted your invitation could be problematic.
I read a story about a woman who charges her family for Christmas dinner — but if that wasn’t something that rattled people’s Christmas baubles, the New York Post probably wouldn’t have published an article about her unusual stance. Of course, charging a 3-year-old grandson to teach him the power of a dollar, as she does, and asking your merry band of friends and family to contribute are two very different prospects.
If asking your friends for cash is the difference between having enough money to pay your electricity bill or not, simply tell your guests that you overextended yourself. Who wouldn’t want to pop $50 into a jar under those circumstances? But if you merely believe that you deserve a cash reward at the end of a hard year, I’m not convinced this last-minute swerve would be worth it.
Playing “the poor mouth” — we call it “an béal bocht” in Gaelic — could set you up for a fall. A photo of you in February or March sitting by a hotel pool with a drink in your hand could set tongues wagging. The terms of your invitation have already been set. Changing the social contract now for anything other than an emergency might leave your guests with more than indigestion.
More from Quentin Fottrell:
My father has dementia and ‘forgave’ my brother’s $200,000 house loan. The nursing-home notary said he was of sound mind. What can we do?
My husband bought our house with an inheritance. I signed a quitclaim. He said I could live there after he dies, but changed his mind. What now?
Low-paying jobs are the economy’s way of saying you should get a better job’: I’ve decided to stop tipping, except at restaurants. Am I wrong?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where we look for answers to life’s thorniest money issues. Readers write to me with all sorts of dilemmas. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
By emailing your questions to the Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on the Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.
By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.